Listening to The 1975 while working and wondering what I want to do with life. I wonder, just constantly wonder about WHAT I WANNA DO WITH MY LIFE. There is a problem in wondering, in dreaming. Because then you get lost in your optimism and forget that you actually have to WORK for something to get SOMEWHERE. I know I have to work. But I find myself lost and confused – I know how cliche that sounds. Even right now I have 5 parallel thought tracks running along and I am anxious to not miss out on any of them. Meanwhile, I have already forgotten 3 thought trails.
I need to research, dive deep, to really understand what I want – even faintly. Understanding things on the surface level, will keep on the surface of this metaphorical ocean where the winds will push and pull me as I’ll just float.
So the situation is like – I am in an ocean with no sense of direction. I do not understand the stars (I like to watch them, and maybe someday I want to visit space to see the Earth as a star), I do not understand the depths of the water, I do not understand the different types of fish, I do not understand wind patterns and I am looking for land. But not knowing any of the above, not having a sense of direction has instilled a sense of fear in me. A fear, that if I don’t take action right now, I might just drown and die. OR. I might just keep floating my entire life and reach nowhere. I don’t want to float for my entire life.
SO SWIM, you say (my internal voice). Okay, but which direction? What if I am 1 day away from finding the land in one direction, but 10 years away if I go in the wrong direction? Is there a method to know the right direction?
Well, there are more people like this in the world, more people who have swam the 10 years to understand that there was a direction that would lead them in the same place in 1 day. Where do I find these people? They’re already on the land right, how do I reach them?
You’ve just got to start swimming man. And you will come across somebody who knows somebody who has reached there. Or maybe while swimming in pursuit of one land, you find another? You were looking for India but you found America. That too is a possibility right? There is no way to find out other than just swimming. Not aimlessly, with a plan.
Okay, plan.
Where do I begin to make this plan? What are the most important questions? Or, what are you most afraid of?
I am afraid of being insignificant. I am afraid of…
Not making enough money
Not being able to see the world
Not doing adventure sports
Not making a difference in the world
Not understanding what my identity is or what I stand for
Not able to find validation from my parents for who I am – even though they are proud of me, I know. But, okay this one is complex so lets discuss it some other time.
Not finding my land, my passion, my true calling, my true faith, my will
Not being able to become self disciplined
Wasting my life because I didn’t make use of my potential.
Okay, many more fears, but lets move on from that now. Let us move on to the next thing. What do I have the capability to become, or do if I follow it with determination?
*In the list below, there are several conditions attached to every single point. It basically enhances my basic interests, and my capabilities, which if worked upon, can lead me to becoming something or following that path
I can become a playback singer
I can be an artist – I would love to study art, like really learn it
I want something that involves activity, where I get to move around and do something – teaching has this, where you have to interact with a child constantly – dont know why i am so opposed to being one – maybe it just looks very boring and uneventful – very micro in the sense of impact
I know you have to start micro and then move on to creating macro impact, but I dont see much scope in being a teacher – not beyond the one school, the one class, the one child, that I’d impact —- yes it has a ripple effect in the sense of the impact that the people I teach would make, but that is too far fetched. I am not saying it is something not worth doing (because if I can say I changed/impacted the life of even one individual, it is more than what most people do in a lifetime/or is it?), just not something I am looking for at the moment.
I want to see the world. I am curious. I want to explore. I want to see different cultures and meet different people. I want to see different skies and different cities. I want to see more stars and I want to feel different winds. I want to see a fancy life – live it, and I want to see a simple life – live it. I want struggle and I want comfort.
I want to see as much as of this world as I can. I want to walk for days – with rest ofcourse – but I want to walk in cities and just see. I want to talk, without being shy – well that isn’t too tough unless I am intimidated by the person or am thinking too much before talking.
I want to inspire.
I want to feel inspired.
I want to impress myself first – that is the hardest part.
I know I aim for perfection, which ironically leads to procrastination – due to the fear of not being perfect, I subconsciously delay everything in pursuit of finding the perfect outcome.
I think this is enough out pour and mind blabber for now.
More, later.
In pursuit 